Catch up

I'm not sure that I know where to start. So many things in the past few months, I hope I can recount them.

The change that I've felt in the last few months is such a blessing from the Lord. I've felt his hand in my life as I struggle with adversity. I've felt grief which I bear be supported with His help. Honestly, the spirit has been in abundance in our lives and I'm not really sure why. I can say that I've tried so hard to live up to my potential and fallen so very short. But, the Lord seems to be pushing me along, my faults and all.

I want so badly to serve like I did on my mission. It was in my daily prayers for about my whole mission. I'd pray something like, "please bless that my life will be blessed with the opportunity to serve like this, after my mission is finished." I hope and pray that one I day we can again fully consecrate my life to the Lord.

You are the one. You have been chosen to represent a whole lineage of ancestry regarding your heritage. My patriarchal blessing talks about this. My Dad says that is why I'm his Idol. I've held resentment in the past towards this principle of Family and Heritage. Both sides of my family are converts. I don't have Grandparents that have the solid faith of the Gospel. I don't have a shining example of a Father that is strict in observing the covenants that he has made. But, I love and respect him for what he has done with the little he has been given. He has been converted and does not shy from his testimony. The life which he was given, he has definitely done the best according to his knowledge and understanding. I see his downfalls, justifications and edge. You on the other hand, have a greater knowledge and brighter understanding. You can't deny the experiences and spiritual manifestations in your life. Therefore, are held to the same understanding. "Where much is given, much is required."

Many are called but few are chosen and why are they not chosen? Because the aspire to the honors of men. I believe I have been called to represent my Heritage. To link my ancestry to the Gospel. What an honor and privilege. It is a complete paradigm shift to my attitude almost my whole life. I always questioned, Why? Why does my blood not trace back to the early pioneers of the church? Why didn't my ancestor defend the Prophet Joseph to the death? I can imagine the faith building stories and sense of pride I would have knowing and drawing on the past. I'm so grateful for my wife and her heritage and that my kids do have that literal pioneer blood. God permitted me to marry one of His angels and I am grateful. My lot in life is not one of spiritual ease. I've learned by sad experience and on my own. I'm so grateful for the Jesus who paved the way himself, that I may know where to look for answers. But, I can be chosen to represent an entire lineage not converted to the Gospel. Can you imagine the afterlife and celebration? Your entire heritage linked by your effort. The work was literally just done for my immediate ancestry. And now I have the opportunity to give them the chance to accept the Gospel.

While the Temple I felt a special bond to one Pieter Jan VanSteenkiste. As I proceeded in the initiatory, one of the Patrons stopped me mid sentence and said, "I feel impressed to ask you to come and work in the Temple. You belong here. You need to be here. Now go talk to your Bishop and get it done."

Today we attended the Gila Valley temple dedication at our Stake building. What an awesome experience!!! President Erying gave a compelling talk about linking the hearts of our children to their fathers. We participated in the Hosana shout after President Monson dedicated the building. My previous thoughts of my ancestry were running through my mind.

Currently there is no temple in Belgium and 5000 members. You have blessed with a special heritage that will burn with in you as you continue to do the work of the Lord. Could I literally fulfill Elijah's prophecy and turn my heart to my literal Fathers in Belgium? Could I do their work and also help those that are living now? I believe this may be my calling as my patriarchal blessing has stated. I'd love to be able to write a check for a substantial amount of money to build a temple for my ancestors. Could you imagine the rejoicing of my literal lineage if this happened? I pray that we are blessed financially to be able to serve in the capacity the Lord sees fit.

Sick...

Today is Sunday and I'm constantly having that "I'm gonna barf" feeling. I can't imagine Sarah and being pregnant. No thanks. Anyway, thought that this thing would pass but I'm just laying in bed feeling like crap. Payt and Syd are home too. However, the bug obviously passed through quick because they are racing on the skitters outside. I wish I had an adult skitter to race them with. :)

Where is Heaven?

Syd- Above us, WAY up above us. Way high in the sky.

Payt- Whose Heaven? Up there.

Internet

The internet here at the house is a joke. I've had to post some journal entries in my planner. Anyway, life has been nuts for me. I've been pulled in every direction it seems. Can't sleep at night and have crazy anxiety. I guess that has just come to be the norm lately. Busy day today with work. Hopefully things will start to slow down a bit.

Edge

I'm a little on edge as of late. Probably because I'm out of my comfort zone with everyone in town. J & A are here and we are having a great time. Boys are playing hard. Celebrated Jared's bday last night. Went to Mastro's, legit. Todd & Ashley, James & Kristine came. We had a good night. Hope my shoulder starts feeling better, really hurting right now. Bunkers are pregnant, what a blessing!! So happy for them.

I'm tired of work lately, constantly have this struggle. Hopefully i'll get direction.

Wordy...

I guess I have a hard time with this journal thing because I have a real disdain for wordy people. Steve can talk to me for an hour and accomplish ZERO. Tact, I have little. Patience, I have little. Probably need to work in those areas.

Sarah called out my self control the past couple of days. Totally agree with her and need to work on it. It is a principle in all aspects of our lives we need to exercise. Diet, pride, lust, the list goes on & on. Reading about Agency today in 2 Nephi 2. Ironically our little bet coincides with this chapter. We are free to choose for ourselves "according to the flesh" life or death. There is an opposition in all things! That means when I'm starving that D....A....M....N peanut butter cookies will be in the pantry. That means when I'm feeling in shape & trim, I'll mess up my shoulder. Means when our marriage is great, there will be trials. It means when I think work is going great, it will turn on me quickly. Thank goodness for Jesus & the Atonement. He can understand us. I kind of like the born again vibe....we could use a little more of that in our faith. It sure makes Jesus more personable. However, moderation in all things right. If I flopped around on the ground like the Evanhelicos in Venezuela (speaking in the name of Jesus), our elder brother would probably want to give me a swift kick to the butt, or be crying with laugher at my shenanigans.

Dreams

I thought that I'd take a moment and record a few dreams that I've had lately. My anxiety level has been high regarding our the situation with our home. I suppose these are the trials that we need to go through and I'm trying to do everything in my power to overcome them. At times I may be running to too hard and relying less on the Lord. I know he is the only way I can overcome my problems. At the end of the day, I want the Lord to know I did everything according to my knowledge to help my situation. I find that personally he increases that knowledge and our problems seem to dissipate. Other times, things just seem to fall into place. Not without much struggle I might ad.

Starting the BOM over again and found this scripture particularly interesting given our current situation. 1 Nephi 7:12:

12 Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all ^athings according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise ^bfaith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

That hit me as a direct answer to my prayers. I think it is our challenge to accept the Lords will even when I doesn't coincide with ours.

Anyway, the dreams. Not sure if I have a flare for the dramatic (Sydney sure does), or I just like to tell a story. But these dreams, one good and one bad, left my heart racing and wide eyed at about 3:30 in the morning.

A few weeks ago I had a dream that seemed very specific at the time, but now escapes my memory. It took place somewhere on a mission. It seemed like it was me against the world. I was trying to so hard to carry someone from one place to another. Suddenly three unseen powers knocked me down and started to taunt me. Everything I tried to do failed. I tried to fight, I tried to cast them out, I tried everything to protect me and this person. Sarah told me that I audibly yelled out in my sleep what at the time was a desperation plea for help. My thought was to laugh to change the spirit. This seemed to brighten everything around me and then I guess I was thrashing around in bed so much that woke myself up. The thought that kept running through my head was that on that specific night, evil forces were combining somewhere in the world. I felt specifically that somehow that meeting would affect me, some way, somehow. I hope I can be prepared and live to combat those assaults that may come against me.

Second, I had a specific dream that I was alive for the Second Coming. The dream was vague, we were with some friends of ours that were not of the same faith. We knew he was coming. I woke a little scared. I'm not prepared to meet my Savior yet. It frightened me. Scriptures in Alma 5 kept running through my head:

28 Behold, are ye stripped of ^apride? I say unto you, if ye are not ye are not prepared to meet God. Behold ye must prepare quickly; for the kingdom of heaven is soon at hand, and such an one hath not eternal life.

I hope that I can be prepared.